I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Support your local cemetery
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform