My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
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Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.