To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
You Might Also Like
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
So sick of all these stupid rules
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Mmmm. Shoeshi
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are