Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art