chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
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The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone