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Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
The little toadstool has spoken.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet