Flock of bats
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[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Lmfaoooooo
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Carpe DM
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!