King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Webb. James Webb.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”