Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
prepare for carbonated trouble
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
This came to me in a dream.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that