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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back