My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
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Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Lmfao
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
(Gaming support cat.)
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there