“TGIM!” – My liver
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?