I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
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Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross