A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
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Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Straight people are cancelled
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.