I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
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Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
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I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.