Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided