Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
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Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
You better watch out
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.