SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.