Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.