Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
that lip filler tho
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Name this drama.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Finally, an explanation.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender