Not recommended for beginners.
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*