guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever