The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
forgive me baja for i have blast
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.