To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Dishonest mechanic?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.