“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda