Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
You Might Also Like
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?