Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
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My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
crazy
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter: