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I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Siri, fight Alexa.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.