Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
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Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin