Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
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Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F