Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am