M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
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CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
What flavor cupcake are these
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.