a god among men
You Might Also Like
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
A Short Story.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear