[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Said the murderer.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
My last name is Zilla.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom