So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
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i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
how was your vacation
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
👾👾👾
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!