a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
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Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
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