Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
You Might Also Like
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Ken is short for chicken
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random