elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
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The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow