It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
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Never forget.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.