Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
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me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
the Monday after daylight savings
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
How your email finds me
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!