Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
You Might Also Like
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.