If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
just leave it at the foot of the bed
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
How to make infinite energy.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.