They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Boom, boom, ching!
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.