so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now