People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
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I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
inventing words: clothing
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.