My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
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Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Grandmother clock.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”