Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
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Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*