My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I’d love this…lol
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.