[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
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I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!