GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
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No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Who needs an Air Fryer?
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Me if I was a dog
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I didn’t come here to be called names
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.